You guys, I swear I'm not normally a depressing blogger. When it comes to May, I'm sure I'll be different. Right now it's just not the case.
I am sitting here at my kitchen table basically in tears. I'm not looking for sympathy but rather just a place to vent. School is so incredibly difficult and the ones who understand are only my classmates and no one else. I get it: I'm in graduate school and it's gonna be tough. DUH. I know this and I'm not saying that I didn't expect it to be tough COGNITIVELY along with other challenges. That is what I expected as an applicant. Here is what I did not expect but what I have witnessed since I've started:
- Evaluations are not constructive criticisms but rather hateful remarks like (taken exactly from my first semester review): "Can be impulsive" and "Only cares about what works best for 'Julie'" (yes, that was in quotation marks). Note: I enjoy criticism as long as it's CONSTRUCTIVE. There is a huge difference which must be identified. Realize that was my first semester review and since then I have questioned myself over and over about the times I was "impulsive" or the other 10 negative things they listed about me. I will never know. Did I ask my teacher? Yes. She said "Oh, I'm not sure. This list is a collection of what different professors said." I will never know.
- My professors always assume the worst. One time I witnessed a classmate being yelled at for NO reason before she started her presentation. She was yelling at her about not using overheads or something stupid. Something that we did not even know she wanted until she starting yelling (and I mean yelling) at my classmate. More recently (and the cause of my current stress and low morale) is that my professor decided to give us all reaction papers to do because she didn't think we were reading for class. We were notified of this change in an email instead of in person and therefore we weren't able to stick up for ourselves. I have been reading and I know a lot of us have been so basically in addition to all the other shit they are making us do, I now have to write a weekly reaction paper to PROVE that I am reading. Did I miss a memo? Are we in undergrad now? Ahem?
I can only clearly think about those two things right now. There are so many other issues related to my program but I don't feel like listing them at the moment. I am just so sick of it which really makes me sad. I used to be a life-long learner/lover of school. I craved going to class, learning new things, and partnering with my teachers. It's no longer the case and I am now in survival mode. In addition, I feel like I am not myself anymore. I second guess my decisions constantly because we never get positive feedback (or any feedback unless it's purely negative) and I'm sick of it.
What's sad is that I love my field. I'm literally obsessed with it. When I went to a conference related to my field in Boston last week, I was so motivated! Then, the moment I stepped foot on my campus it all changed. I just don't care anymore.
Will I do something about it? Damn yes I will. Just not now. Not now because I'm relying on these people to do my recommendations and let me graduate. I will work on something after graduation.
I hope this post gives you a clearer understanding about my schooling and why it always frustrates me.
2 more f-ing months, then summer, then internship, then GRADUATION.
I can't wait.